As you get older you seem to notice that time blows by ever so fast, that if you blink you'll suddenly be ten years ahead and you find that you just can't seem to remember things as clearly anymore. I'm beginning to hit that point. I still think of the house on Dapper when I smell roses, but I don't remember the bed I once infamously threw a fit over. And as you get older the things you can't remember aren't so long ago, the memories no longer solidly in your brain begin ranging from ten years to last week. And at first you become indignant, refusing to believe that you misremembered or angry at your inability. You argue, because you know, somehow, that you ARE right. And on top of that, you begin misplacing things. I've always been absent minded, so I don't think I noticed so much. But it was suddenly overwhelming. I can't remember where I set things down, so much that I started making it a point to remember. And when I can't, I'm absolutely furious.
Along with age, you hopefully find grace and serenity. I haven't found either of them yet. Maybe tomorrow I will, but for today I still live in a haphazard and dangerous world. I am still as angry as ever, and as indignant. When I am challenged by someone else, I will still fight my point. Unless it's my boyfriend, in which case I will lovingly melt away from the conversation topic and segway into a safer topic. I am still on my high horse, and I can still be knocked off, and I have yet to learn my lesson. I still look for vengence and what I think is fair, regardless of whether life is fair or not. I am still uninterested in the knowledge and wisdom of age. Instead, I am running full speed ahead into the trials and tribulations of what I will later recall as youth. I will fight valiantly for my cause until I am too scared to continue. I will run away with my tail between my legs as fast as I can. I am without the courage and strength to accept defeat, and I am without the humble regard for the world that would precipitate surrender.
For now, the spirit with several lives will remain trapped in my body. And I am going to let it guide me with each life as they come.
Love, Polly.
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