March 29, 2010: "He who lives in a glass house should not throw glass at other houses..."

Indignation. Arrogance. Judgment.

All of us silently judge everyone we meet, even if it's just a casual glance, we notice something about all the people we see on tv, the internet, or in person. We decide if someone is good looking or bad and whether or not their shoes or whatever they're wearing looks cool or dorky. It's in our nature and whether we like it or not,it's just something we do out all the time. Many of us want to say that we don't judge people without knowing them in person, knowing something of who they are and how they are. Unfortunately, that's just not true no matter how down to earth someone is. And if you say otherwise, you're either a fool or a liar. It's dependent on the individual which of those it is. If you have ever looked at a person of the same / opposite sex and thought, "Oh, they're cute", you're one of us judgmental jerks.

Either way, whether you admit you're one of us or not, it doesn't matter. I know and that's alright with me. But what gets me is those of us who are so indignant that we cannot recognize the faults in ourselves. Those us of us who in turn are too arrogant to fully accept our faults, and those of us who falsify the act of being humble. And finally, those of us who judge others for their shortcomings. We shouldn't judge anyone else any further than we judge ourselves. We shouldn't pretend to be humble, but we should look inside ourselves to really mean the act of being humble and allow it to bring us down from pride. If pride is a sin, then we're all sinners. But what saves us is accepting the sin and asking forgiveness from it. As a catholic, albeit a loose one, I understand that no man on earth is too holy to escape temptation and sin. But as long as we repent for our wrongs, we should be okay in the long run. I don't mean for this to sound like a religious preaching by any means, but it's the best way to look at our lives. Remember the things we've done wrong, recognize the wrong itself, how we got ourselves to that point, and the people and things we've hurt in the process, even ourselves. We will all make mistakes with our lives, it's just important to recognize them. But it's just as important not to obsess over them, and possibly doubly important to recognize our successes. Our failures are the times where we judge ourselves the harshest, and others failures and shortcomings are where we judge them the harshest. But when we judge others we fail to judge ourselves. Life is about balance. It's important to judge others but it's equally important to honestly judge ourselves. And not just the parts of us we want to see, not just the parts the blinders don't hide. We need to make sure we judge ALL of ourselves, just to help ourselves a little bit more.

Love, Polly.

March 22, 2010: When one door closes...

We're slowly approaching that one year mark in our relationship, for some a celebrated achievement and others the time to say, out with the old and in with the new. It's a lot like New Years and New Years resolutions. It symbolizes both the end of a cycle and the birth of a new one, mirroring our lives and the things we see around us. Most things are not infinite, and often times we bear witness to the births and deaths of events and people in our lives. We may not experience both, but we often times experience and celebrate one in a smashing fashion as if we're attempting to make up for the other which we've missed or are planning to miss. Birth and death have always been the greatest events in most people's lives, and often times the most influential. Several great artists, writers, dancers, historians, scientists, etc. have all been thrust into greatness as a response to a death of someone close to them in life. We celebrate birth in our societies with baby showers, religious ceremonies, and excited phone calls to everyone else in our lives. In very much the same way, we react with death, instead of baby showers we find ourselves at wakes, and the phone calls are no longer excited. It's amazing how events on opposing ends of the spectrum emotionally are marked occasions where the actions that we follow with are fantastically the same. Many people think of them as being similar. As the extremes of time, they're both fanatically different and yet soothingly the same. We expect each and regard them as necessities for life to carry on and society and culture to live through. Even if we disregard our religions and societies, with births and deaths many people often find themselves as least portraying the fallacies of faith. We don't forsake all religious custom when there is a birth / death. In fact, we cling to them, if only for the security in consistency and routine that it brings.

In the same way, we embrace the New Year. Most of us consider it the death of who we were and the negative feelings we had for the year. We consider it the birth of something new, in a somewhat grandiose manner. That our luck will change and everything bad that happened will be good again. In an optimistic manner, we avoid considering that all the good things will be bad. Whether or not the year actually turns out that way is another story, but regardless the stigma of a new year remains the same. The human life cycle will forever be mirrored by the traditional marking of a year.

In a final note, I'm anxious to see what the end of this wonderful year and the beginning of another add to my life.

Love, Polly.

March 20, 2010: But there are no palm trees in the city, and dishwater gives back no images.

As you get older you seem to notice that time blows by ever so fast, that if you blink you'll suddenly be ten years ahead and you find that you just can't seem to remember things as clearly anymore. I'm beginning to hit that point. I still think of the house on Dapper when I smell roses, but I don't remember the bed I once infamously threw a fit over. And as you get older the things you can't remember aren't so long ago, the memories no longer solidly in your brain begin ranging from ten years to last week. And at first you become indignant, refusing to believe that you misremembered or angry at your inability. You argue, because you know, somehow, that you ARE right. And on top of that, you begin misplacing things. I've always been absent minded, so I don't think I noticed so much. But it was suddenly overwhelming. I can't remember where I set things down, so much that I started making it a point to remember. And when I can't, I'm absolutely furious.

Along with age, you hopefully find grace and serenity. I haven't found either of them yet. Maybe tomorrow I will, but for today I still live in a haphazard and dangerous world. I am still as angry as ever, and as indignant. When I am challenged by someone else, I will still fight my point. Unless it's my boyfriend, in which case I will lovingly melt away from the conversation topic and segway into a safer topic. I am still on my high horse, and I can still be knocked off, and I have yet to learn my lesson. I still look for vengence and what I think is fair, regardless of whether life is fair or not. I am still uninterested in the knowledge and wisdom of age. Instead, I am running full speed ahead into the trials and tribulations of what I will later recall as youth. I will fight valiantly for my cause until I am too scared to continue. I will run away with my tail between my legs as fast as I can. I am without the courage and strength to accept defeat, and I am without the humble regard for the world that would precipitate surrender.

For now, the spirit with several lives will remain trapped in my body. And I am going to let it guide me with each life as they come.

Love, Polly.

March 18, 2010: I'm glad I came here, with your pound of flesh.

I've been finding that I was completely honest and forthcoming in acknowledging my own lack of dedication to posting. I can only blame myself, because although I often had the opportunity to write I had lost the drive to do so. Even now, I find myself struggling to write just the last few sentences. It isn't writers block, it's subject block. I could write forever but I have no clue where to begin.

I guess I'll start here. This last year I've really wanted to embark on a journey into the modeling world. I have no qualms about baring all, and although I attempt to display a nonchalance about the idea I'm terribly excited. I received a phone call this afternoon from this jerk-off I know, who tried to set me up with an audition for a bikini modeling thing. Over the summer, I would have jumped at the chance. Now, after having my bathing suit become puppy food and my lack of drive in working out I doubt I could have made this happen anyway. But I'm still a closet optimist. I still wonder if MAYBE this could have been the break I needed. Maybe, this could have been what skyrocketed me into the modeling world. I'm not really into this for the artistic value, but entirely for the monetary gain. I've always been camera shy, I always felt that I never looked just right. I happen to be very self-conscious about my hair, as I have the thick kinky Polynesian hair that typically plagues us island folk. But as I get older, and learn to take care of my hair better, I become more and more interested in the modeling world. In a way to utilize myself more efficiently. Not just use my mind to make money, but my physical being. Up until recently I've always been my own photographer. I know how I like my body, what proportions I find pleasing. But I'm not so sure that I'm willing to allow someone else that particular pleasure. Of being the artist. However, I think this is a necessary evil and as such I will attempt to allow it. I've made contact with a photographer this morning and am expecting a call soon. Hopefully, this will be genius and the opportunity I was looking for.

Love, Polly.